My Sister's last Post when informed she had brain tumors

I was informed two days ago that I have tumors on my brain. For the patient who wanted to know everything, I didn’t want to know this. The MRI I had about two weeks ago was bad news as well. The two tumors on my liver have not only grown in size, but have welcomed two more to the happy little ecosystem that I call my body in spite of being on chemo for almost 5 months. My tumor markers had decreased significantly. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m angry! I’m sad! I’m disillusioned! I am struggling to regain my balance, so forgive me if in the short term, I loose my footing.



I have been gracious and I have been kind to every patient that I have encountered along the way on what today seems to have been a God forsaken journey. I have smiled and engaged in lengthy conversations with complete strangers and offered heartfelt advice, not because I expected reciprocity, but because it was the right thing to do and I was moved to do it at the time.



I have tried almost constantly to turn this situation into a “teachable moment” for my son because what the hell else can you do. I have suffered, mostly in silence as my life has been extended due to the love & prayers of others, the excellence of the care I have received from my doctors and my absolute determination to not merely survive but to completely overcome this disease and now this. It is too much to be borne even by me.



Oh of course I will pick my self up and do what must be done with as pleasant a demeanor I am able to muster, but right now I am by no means please to do it. And for those of you who might ask, no, I am not “taking anything” for these unpleasant feelings. I am not judging people who do, but here is my unvarnished opinion. I am a grown up. I am living life as a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer patient. If I took a pill to temporarily escape unpleasant events in my life, then when would I be sober & present in the very life that I am struggling to live. I do not hide from, but rather confront the obstacles set in my way. This is not to say that I will not be needing to be sedated when they place a mesh mask on my face and bolt my head to a table Monday for radiation, because hell yes, I am definitely going to need to temporarily escape that particular event in my life.



So if my feelings on occasions such as this strike you as surly or objectionable or messy, then by all means, you are entitled to your opinion. Just have the sense God gave you not to call them to my attention because you present me with silly problems of your own making and expect kind words from me knowing my struggle. And do not refer to my reaction as “raging” because I promise you that you have not seen raging. Ask anyone who has dated me.



I simply cannot imagine someone not comprehending the magnitude of my emotional state at a time like this. I never minimize the problems that others may be facing in their own lives by comparing them to mine, but allow me to indulge myself just this once. If you are in a situation that you have allowed to flourish by being actively complicit for whatever reason, then do not complain about it to someone who is fighting for their lives. Most especially do not tell them that their reaction warrants medication or that it left YOU feeling unsettled, because quite frankly, maybe it just wasn’t a good time for you to share.



It’s amusing really. I hadn’t quite decided on my feelings about this situation yet. I think that today’s feeling will be a well-deserved morose. I will be back in fighting form come Monday, but today is for me and me alone. I will not take calls or be upbeat and chipper because someone else needs to be soothed by my unwavering certainty. Today, I do not have it in me to give. Perhaps I should point my accusing finger back at myself for the situation that I have aggressively created by always being okay. I think that I need to be honest when I am not and hope that it’s acceptable. I think that I need to learn the lesson of unselfish, self preservation. Damn it, I just knew there was another lesson lurking beneath my pain :).

.