Our Last FB Convo

""ChepeJose
Hi Meli was praying for you this morning. Look up Jehovah-Rophe The Lord Heals exodus 15:25-26. Play some Hillsong worship. Love you!
February 9 at 12:56pm
Ann De Villegas I will, love you Joey. You are a good brother.
February 11 at 11:58am""

I was looking through the friendship history that facebook has and I was able to see coments she made about my photos and coments I made about her's. I saw how long we been facebook friends and I saw our last convo. Im grateful for boldness given to me to declare my God to my sister. Im grateful for the softening of her heart during her last days. Im greatfull for her notes she wrote and the relationship we had. I so miss her very much. No one knows how deep you can miss someone until you have no way of seeing them again until you die. Jesus is the only one who can heal this pain and serving him and recieving him is a big help!

A poem 4 you Whispers of Truth

The sweet whispers of truth assist me from remaining in despair
The hope I have in Christ return keeps me from deep depression
Your salvation gives me peace and excitement for our reunion
I've never been so eager for the King to return to be with you and see your new body
If I could switch places with you I would
But then I wouldn't be able to spread the importance of salvation and forgiveness to the world
Your death has given me a voice
And my pain has given me a purpose
For the joy set before Him He gave his life
For the joy set before me I give Him mine
When the despair increases so does the whispers of truth
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My Sister's last Post when informed she had brain tumors

I was informed two days ago that I have tumors on my brain. For the patient who wanted to know everything, I didn’t want to know this. The MRI I had about two weeks ago was bad news as well. The two tumors on my liver have not only grown in size, but have welcomed two more to the happy little ecosystem that I call my body in spite of being on chemo for almost 5 months. My tumor markers had decreased significantly. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m angry! I’m sad! I’m disillusioned! I am struggling to regain my balance, so forgive me if in the short term, I loose my footing.



I have been gracious and I have been kind to every patient that I have encountered along the way on what today seems to have been a God forsaken journey. I have smiled and engaged in lengthy conversations with complete strangers and offered heartfelt advice, not because I expected reciprocity, but because it was the right thing to do and I was moved to do it at the time.



I have tried almost constantly to turn this situation into a “teachable moment” for my son because what the hell else can you do. I have suffered, mostly in silence as my life has been extended due to the love & prayers of others, the excellence of the care I have received from my doctors and my absolute determination to not merely survive but to completely overcome this disease and now this. It is too much to be borne even by me.



Oh of course I will pick my self up and do what must be done with as pleasant a demeanor I am able to muster, but right now I am by no means please to do it. And for those of you who might ask, no, I am not “taking anything” for these unpleasant feelings. I am not judging people who do, but here is my unvarnished opinion. I am a grown up. I am living life as a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer patient. If I took a pill to temporarily escape unpleasant events in my life, then when would I be sober & present in the very life that I am struggling to live. I do not hide from, but rather confront the obstacles set in my way. This is not to say that I will not be needing to be sedated when they place a mesh mask on my face and bolt my head to a table Monday for radiation, because hell yes, I am definitely going to need to temporarily escape that particular event in my life.



So if my feelings on occasions such as this strike you as surly or objectionable or messy, then by all means, you are entitled to your opinion. Just have the sense God gave you not to call them to my attention because you present me with silly problems of your own making and expect kind words from me knowing my struggle. And do not refer to my reaction as “raging” because I promise you that you have not seen raging. Ask anyone who has dated me.



I simply cannot imagine someone not comprehending the magnitude of my emotional state at a time like this. I never minimize the problems that others may be facing in their own lives by comparing them to mine, but allow me to indulge myself just this once. If you are in a situation that you have allowed to flourish by being actively complicit for whatever reason, then do not complain about it to someone who is fighting for their lives. Most especially do not tell them that their reaction warrants medication or that it left YOU feeling unsettled, because quite frankly, maybe it just wasn’t a good time for you to share.



It’s amusing really. I hadn’t quite decided on my feelings about this situation yet. I think that today’s feeling will be a well-deserved morose. I will be back in fighting form come Monday, but today is for me and me alone. I will not take calls or be upbeat and chipper because someone else needs to be soothed by my unwavering certainty. Today, I do not have it in me to give. Perhaps I should point my accusing finger back at myself for the situation that I have aggressively created by always being okay. I think that I need to be honest when I am not and hope that it’s acceptable. I think that I need to learn the lesson of unselfish, self preservation. Damn it, I just knew there was another lesson lurking beneath my pain :).

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I Wish I could Forget-My Sister Melissa DeVillegas

I try not to wish for things that can never be…it makes my life more bearable to avoid this tantalizing exercise in futility. I do not waste my time wishing that I had never been diagnosed with cancer or that the doctors made a mistake and it’s really stage 3 and not stage 4. I try to focus on the good things. Yes there have been good things to come of this, like truly understanding how loved I am. This disease has created many a situation where I have seen first hand how truly considerate and generous people can be. I have been afforded a clear view of what really matters in life. And I know that more than anything, to love & be loved by your child is everything. I have received many blessings through this disease. Unfortunately, I am human and sometimes these blessings, wonderful though they have been, are not enough to keep me from wishing I could forget. I wish that just once in a while I could wake up and not remember even for an hour or so. I wish that I did not have to wake up instantly aware that I have cancer.





This isn’t some distant memory that fades with time. It’s always with me. It is the whirl of my oxygen machine that lulls me to sleep at night and greets me each morning. I wake up, propped up by pillows so that the port in my chest doesn’t shift to a painful position. I sleep sitting up to keep from laying on my side because my sternum had to be sawed open and it has never stopped hurting. Yes, waking up in a sitting position means that it will be a pain free day, but it also means I have cancer. If this weren’t enough to jog my memory, then taking a shower certainly would. My scars, my "battle wounds" as I proudly refer to them, are at once both reminders of my brave resistance and my vulnerability.





My life is marked and measured by the times before and after my diagnosis, my treatments, my surgeries, my last appointment and my next, my hair growing in or falling out. I always dread the beginning of the school year. Not because it’s the end of lazy summer days with my son, but because for whatever reason, it’s when my cancer seems to errupt. I try to be calm and expect the best while bracing for the worst, but Fall for me means getting myself battle ready and it saddens me. I used to love Autumn. I don’t anymore.



I am not perfect. I am not even close to perfect. So, at times when I become spiritually lazy or dragged down by fear and anger, I have allowed myself to wonder why me instead of some random pedophile. I have looked at people that I regard as evil and have truly questioned my fate. Don’t misunderstand me, this is not a question that I have asked often and this is not something I would casually or otherwise wish on anyone else. But it is a trying existence to be so constantly and so keenly aware of your mortality.





It is trying and lonely and made all the more so by being single. Yes, I have family & friends who love me dearly. But when the world has become silent and still and there are no distractions to keep the reality of my situation from baring down on me, there is no one to wipe away my tears and tell me that everything will be fine. Yes, I have myself and my faith and my strength, but sometimes it would be nice…sometimes it would be more convincing to hear the thoughts I rely on to persevere being spoken aloud by someone other than myself. Regrettably, I am a burden and I accept that. I am a single mom, unable to bear more children with stage 4 cancer. Not exactly the ideal profile for match.com.



Being in a relationship is something else that I have not wished for since I learned that the cancer metastasized. I would never think to saddle anyone with the never ending campaign that has become my life. Warriors must travel light and I have room enough for just one man in my life. My son is the center of my world. Giving him what time and attention I am able to for as long as I am able to is my focus. He has trooped it with me since he was eight years old. He has endured true hardship and apprehension in these past 6 years. He has suffered as much, if not more than I because of the uncertainty created by my illness. But to meet him, you wouldn’t know it. Jonathan is not bitter or sullen. He is an exceptionally warm and funny young man. He is to put is mildly, remarkable.



Jonathan’s resilience offers me strength and courage. His presence reinforces my purpose and renews my drive. His quick wit reminds me that not only is there hope, but a reason to hope. And his captivating eyes implore me to fight on even though I am not offered the respite of forgetting…because neither is he.

My Love Sets You Free

I type to release the pain that my tears or words seem to fall short of expressing

The images replayed in my mind are the ones I so badly try to erase

In my efforts to be strong I feel so weak

In my day to day I do things i dont want to do

Like wake up to remember your gone

brush my teeth, shower, dress up, and go to work

I do all these things i dont want to do because I want to stop and just think about you some more

I wasn't ready to see you on a bed looking lifeless

I never picured papi just having 3 kids living

I feel a physical pain in my heart

Now I know that the word heartbreak is not merely a metaphore

but its an expression of something that actually descripes something I feel in my chest

Im convinced that no mater what anyone says to me they can not understand

or even try to mend this pain

Im fortunate enough to know some unfortaunate people who have been through this before

I know I will be there for someone else who will have a pain to much to bare

I dont care who so happens to read this and their thoughts of my words

Some may judge me others may empathise and even cry

Im not looking for that

Im releasing words into this note to release the overflow of pain emersing from within me

My tears are dry and words seem to be few and everyday I wake up and go to sleep thinking of you

I miss all of you the good the not so good

I miss the laughs and the disagrements

I miss the sarcasim and they wityness

I miss looking at my phone and having asurance that if i call you i can hear your voice

..........i.....know.....times will heal....and sometimes...that thought..makes me mad...

sometimes i dont want to heal because i relate it to not careing about you

but then i realize that if i love you I will set you free

I wont hold a grudge on you for leaving earth to soon for me

but I await the day with Christ returns and you arise form your sleep.

Oh what a glorious day to see the new made over you and that just brings a smile to my face even now

I learned that my love for you was strong when march 16 I unwillingly said its okay to go and set you free

My love for you set's you free