Unimaginable

There are things that people share with you about their life's battles that as you listen you may think to yourself or even share with them out loud the words "I can't even imagine that." You know as time passes and I think of my sister not being on earth anymore I think, this could not have really happened! When I glance at pictures of my sister I at times say out loud to my self "My God!" because I start to think I can't even imagine that she's gone. All over again I think this is unimaginable.

I can assure you there is a special grace deposited on those who love God because im living the unimaginable and I still manage to stir up joy in me. Look at how great the word of God is that it provides some sort of relief to my current grief.

"We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken." 2Corinthians 4:8-9

"When life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory around the corner." 1Peter 4:12-13

I remind myself that I am not alone. I've actually never been alone because God is attracted to me current state as well as he may be to yours. Be of good cheer if Christ is your savior then you can be at peace that you have the God who is willing to be the God of the unimaginable things in our life!

I know there has to be more

Im very pensive today. I find myself in a place of thinking "there has to be more." I feel as if in the day to day things I do I need to see "the more." I need to get all I can out of my days. My schedule is pretty compact and Im living through a lot of unfavorable changes. In my workplace I feel I need to find more. In my relationship with God I feel like I need to find more, In my friendships i need to find more. I want to push past what I been recieving.

Thanksgiving just passed and to be honest I was not really looking forward to it and I even felt tempted to fall into a depressed state. I decided not to accept that. I been rehearsing a heart of thankfulness and praise since the end of October because of the fear I had of the holidays. So Ironic a seasons that I usually and so many other people enjoy so much are all so excited but I'm not. Im scared of what feelings may try to rise up in me. Especially on New Years.

On thanksgiving I spent it with my Dad and grandmother eating at TGIF. I was even kind of embarrassed to tell people how I spent my thanksgiving. I felt a deep sense of a cheapened thanksgiving for a lack of better words. Suddenly I had to remind myself. ENJOY YOUR LIFE! The more is in what I take out of the moment. The thoughts I have are what can actually cheapen the moment. The more is in my heart posture and thoughts I'm focusing on at that time. In looking for the more I found it. I need to be present, face my fears, love more, and take advantage of every moment. I made sure I enjoyed my TGIF meal with my family. After dinner I went to my dads and to my surprise my brother came from work with a early birthday gift and I found my mom sent a thanksgiving card in the mail expressing her love for me with even a kiss emprinted. My thanksgiving with out a doubt was different but still beautiful. :) I am still thankful.

Release pain

I had a crashing moment as the fork in the road became intensified in a sudden second. I started to feel like what's the point in staying in Fl and even living. I start to feel the weight pulling down like an anchor on my heart as I feel an urge to call my sister Melissa to joke and see how shes doing. Oh man!! I can't explain how horrible it feels to want to call someone and you realise they are dead/passed away/ deceased..what ever you want to call it. Not here and never will be again is the point.

As the holidays approach I fight back some excitement with thoughts of man I'm not buying my sister any gifts this year or giving her a call. It just seems to wrong to me like this can't be really my life. But its my life.

I had to embrace the tears that with out permission streamed down my cheeks and as I rush to leave my dads house in order to prevent being scene in my current state to prevent any additional grief to family I rush to my car and drive back Home there in my car I give permission to my emotions to run wild. I screamed, shoute, and cried so hard I managed to get a nose bleed and a sharp headache.
This is my life I don't necessarily like it right now but it is what it is and I can't change it. I can definatly chose to allow it to make me better.

I'm growing closer to God but it hurts like hell.

Words of Vulnerability

So far this year I've been bombarded with so much change I can't keep up. Some of the changes include: I've lost my family dog of 15 years, my car gets broken into, My sister passed away, my neice went off to college, my mom moved out of state, and I feel so lost in the transitions. One day I feel like I woke up and my world was just turned upside down. All of a sudden Im needy, all of a sudden I cry at random moments, all of a sudden its hard for me to pray, all of a sudden I have to fight beyond my feeling every day. Not a day goes by now that I don't have to choose will I accept sadness or will I tap into joy. Sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going, if I'm mad or sad, it I care or don't. I'm not just trying to vent, I'm offering vulnerablity because its a gift. Right now all I can give is my best and my best is all ill give. I know I may be misunderstood by others and I may seem different "ever since". It's because over a small period of time my life has changed on many levels. Excuse me If I don't smile as much today or if I'm quieter than usual or if I don't chill as much but the rug has been pulled from under my feet and I'm learning to live again. You can watch, you can talk, you can look down, or you can help me learn to walk again. Either way I will keep trying and keep on keeping on. This is me and all I can give is my best and my best is all I will give.

Hear My Cry

The passing of my beloved sister from earth to the next life has been a deeply defining moment. I've been through many different emotions and confusion that grief presents. I daily fight the spirit of depression and disparity. Through my journey people have seemed to have ignored the fact that even though I serve God I'm a mere man with emotions and im capable of loving God while still hurting. My world has completely changed, forever not just a season. I've recieved overwhelming compasion from people, at times people have prayed down on me and shared words that instead of providing me any comfort it seemed to back fire and kicked me down even lower. The fact is people don't always know how to comfort hurting people, unless they been down the same road before. At least they tried and that I apreciate, All in all I know they meant well so I wasn't angered. In my long suffering I've never thought this is all Gods fault. I know he could of healed my sister but he didnt, at least here on earth. I'm not mad at God, though I have many questions wich I desire not for any man to try to answer for me with their theology. I'll wait for God to answer them face to face one day.
My biggest fight now is being honest with my emotions and at the same time speaking faith. Then I read the scriptures and the men of God were REAL about how they felt but still professed who God is to them, so excuse me as I do the same:
Dear King
I'm full of sadness. I HATE that I had to see Melissa on that hospital bed in those conditions, strugleing to breath while I watched!
I HATE that my dad had to hold her head and wipe her foaming mouth as her head shook ferousiously during a siezier!
I HATED seeing her in a casket, THAT I REALLY HATED!!!!
I HATE that people say "It's ok" cause IT'S NOT!
I HATE fighting back tears in a line buying groceries, at a stop light, at a laugh, a smile, or a women that reminds me of Melissa!
Most of all I HATE CANCER!
I LOVE the grace you've given me and your gentle love!
I LOVE that you allowed her to live till I prayed the sinners prayer with her!
I LOVE that the bible has examples of those suffering and how you were there!
I LOVE that you have opened opportune moments to share love and compasion to others who lost loved ones!
I LOVE how friends have shed tears for their compasion towards my grief!
I LOVE HOW YOU LOVE ME!
YOUR GREAT,
YOUR HEALER,
YOUR MASTER,
YOUR HOPE,
YOUR ELROL,

Thank you for being patient with me and fighting for me! May this defining moment be defined by your touch on my wound. I can relate to the hym, "I've searched high and low and still couldn't find no body greater than you!" Yes and Amen!

Your beloved

What's your choice?

Life isnt easy you guys, it cant present many obstacles. You must choose to turn into hurdles. Youll loose people in various ways. You can choose to cherish to good memories. People may point out all your flaws and slander ur name. You can choose to become a better person. The great thing is NO MATER WHAT.. You can still choose. Be the BEST YOU that you can possibly be!

A letter never read

Dear Sister,

If my math does me right 70 days has passed. The roller coaster of grief has many highs and lows and even some Plato's. I think of all the hidden lessons of Love, hope, forgiveness, Divine order, family, promise, and time. Your life has been a teaching that still teaches me even after your departure. Your songs you chose to comfort us when you would leave are hard to listen to. The songs says that the sun will shine again but I tell you the sun many of mornings has been a rude intruder in my time of grief. Ive never felt so disrespected by the sun shinning on my face in the morning. I thought that the 14hrs of staring at your skin and gently caressing of your hands would be enough but I want to do it some more. I wanna look in your eyes and see you smirk and raise an eyebrow. I want to know what you think about the Arnold scandal, Casey trial, and zaylee's mobile uploads. I'm left with my own thoughts of what you might of said. The truth is the time hasn't healed and the pain at times seems to increase. The Supernatural power of God keeps me in my right mind. This letter you'll never read but Meli I love you sweetheart and a piece of me left with you. Your forever on my mind and I will be sure your life even now will live.

Your Beloved Hurting brother Joey

What's Your Mission?

Today I'm at the gym getting my walk on (starting my workout slow lol) and I start reading Rick Warren daily devotional email (encourage you to sign up) for today. The devotional is about planning ahead and fixing our eyes on eternity. He mentions that our iPhone and Google calendars are in no way able to capture Gods timing. There is a scripture he refers to which says 1k years is a blink in the eyes of eternity. What if I knew in 10 years I will die. What ways would be easier to change. What areas of my life would suddenly become easier to lay down? How much more would I give myself to my life mission? These questions propose truths about my world view and my perception of what God requires of me now and not just get it right because I know I will die In 10 years. I tell you what I know my mission and its to distroy the kingdom of Satan! The way I do that is to daily wake up saying NO to me and Yes to my master. I must know who Jesus is and who I am in Him. In the confidence of his many names I have peace and assurance. I live for another age. My eyes are not fixed on when I clock in and out of work, nor on when my next bill needs to be paid, or my next pay check, or getting the hottest new shirt at H&M, nor as a single man seeing if that new women at church is my wife (for ur laughs lol) My eyes are to be fixed on Jesus on the Father on the Holy Ghost. This will be my life mission. To know God in all ways I can know him. There are ways I never wished to know God such as partaking in his suffering. Still I count it an honor to know him even this way. Ask your creator what is your God given missions for your life, its so much more than what this world system tells us.

As Time Pass's

As time passes the numb feeling is being dismissed and the rising up of pain and hurt start's to resurface. I start replaying the last images of my sisters body in the casket as my dad is the first one I see walking up slowly to the casket as my mom quickly rushes behind him to be sure he doesnt collapse at the sight of his babies body. He walks up to see her swollen and pale with no life, gently touching her arms and kisses her forehead. Those images are so heart renching and hurtful in every kind of way to see. It's the pain of seeing a parent hurt on top of the pain of my own seeing my sybling so young in a casket looking nothing like "herself". I at times can't believe I can function with so much hurt, I know that most if not all of my strength has been super natural. I experience such sharp pain it penetrates my heart and I at times cry so hard I feel as if I could vomit, and just when I think im done more tears and shouts must be released.

I know these tears and shouts are so vital to release for my natural and spiritual health. I've been able to manage my pain in a way where I can be vulnerable before God and he is able to do all that needs to get done in me. Im okay with how ever long this take and refuse to say "Im Okay" when all I want to do is cry.

So many tears i've cried, yet my soul rejoices in serving God and being apart of what he is doing. I realize now that time DOESN'T heal but allowing your wounds an hurts to be baren before God brings about healing. Healing comes from the Lord not time.

Nothing will keep me from serving God.

Throughout this season I have seen God show him self as faithul, healer, and the I AM! Hallelujah!

Our Last FB Convo

""ChepeJose
Hi Meli was praying for you this morning. Look up Jehovah-Rophe The Lord Heals exodus 15:25-26. Play some Hillsong worship. Love you!
February 9 at 12:56pm
Ann De Villegas I will, love you Joey. You are a good brother.
February 11 at 11:58am""

I was looking through the friendship history that facebook has and I was able to see coments she made about my photos and coments I made about her's. I saw how long we been facebook friends and I saw our last convo. Im grateful for boldness given to me to declare my God to my sister. Im grateful for the softening of her heart during her last days. Im greatfull for her notes she wrote and the relationship we had. I so miss her very much. No one knows how deep you can miss someone until you have no way of seeing them again until you die. Jesus is the only one who can heal this pain and serving him and recieving him is a big help!

A poem 4 you Whispers of Truth

The sweet whispers of truth assist me from remaining in despair
The hope I have in Christ return keeps me from deep depression
Your salvation gives me peace and excitement for our reunion
I've never been so eager for the King to return to be with you and see your new body
If I could switch places with you I would
But then I wouldn't be able to spread the importance of salvation and forgiveness to the world
Your death has given me a voice
And my pain has given me a purpose
For the joy set before Him He gave his life
For the joy set before me I give Him mine
When the despair increases so does the whispers of truth
.

My Sister's last Post when informed she had brain tumors

I was informed two days ago that I have tumors on my brain. For the patient who wanted to know everything, I didn’t want to know this. The MRI I had about two weeks ago was bad news as well. The two tumors on my liver have not only grown in size, but have welcomed two more to the happy little ecosystem that I call my body in spite of being on chemo for almost 5 months. My tumor markers had decreased significantly. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m angry! I’m sad! I’m disillusioned! I am struggling to regain my balance, so forgive me if in the short term, I loose my footing.



I have been gracious and I have been kind to every patient that I have encountered along the way on what today seems to have been a God forsaken journey. I have smiled and engaged in lengthy conversations with complete strangers and offered heartfelt advice, not because I expected reciprocity, but because it was the right thing to do and I was moved to do it at the time.



I have tried almost constantly to turn this situation into a “teachable moment” for my son because what the hell else can you do. I have suffered, mostly in silence as my life has been extended due to the love & prayers of others, the excellence of the care I have received from my doctors and my absolute determination to not merely survive but to completely overcome this disease and now this. It is too much to be borne even by me.



Oh of course I will pick my self up and do what must be done with as pleasant a demeanor I am able to muster, but right now I am by no means please to do it. And for those of you who might ask, no, I am not “taking anything” for these unpleasant feelings. I am not judging people who do, but here is my unvarnished opinion. I am a grown up. I am living life as a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer patient. If I took a pill to temporarily escape unpleasant events in my life, then when would I be sober & present in the very life that I am struggling to live. I do not hide from, but rather confront the obstacles set in my way. This is not to say that I will not be needing to be sedated when they place a mesh mask on my face and bolt my head to a table Monday for radiation, because hell yes, I am definitely going to need to temporarily escape that particular event in my life.



So if my feelings on occasions such as this strike you as surly or objectionable or messy, then by all means, you are entitled to your opinion. Just have the sense God gave you not to call them to my attention because you present me with silly problems of your own making and expect kind words from me knowing my struggle. And do not refer to my reaction as “raging” because I promise you that you have not seen raging. Ask anyone who has dated me.



I simply cannot imagine someone not comprehending the magnitude of my emotional state at a time like this. I never minimize the problems that others may be facing in their own lives by comparing them to mine, but allow me to indulge myself just this once. If you are in a situation that you have allowed to flourish by being actively complicit for whatever reason, then do not complain about it to someone who is fighting for their lives. Most especially do not tell them that their reaction warrants medication or that it left YOU feeling unsettled, because quite frankly, maybe it just wasn’t a good time for you to share.



It’s amusing really. I hadn’t quite decided on my feelings about this situation yet. I think that today’s feeling will be a well-deserved morose. I will be back in fighting form come Monday, but today is for me and me alone. I will not take calls or be upbeat and chipper because someone else needs to be soothed by my unwavering certainty. Today, I do not have it in me to give. Perhaps I should point my accusing finger back at myself for the situation that I have aggressively created by always being okay. I think that I need to be honest when I am not and hope that it’s acceptable. I think that I need to learn the lesson of unselfish, self preservation. Damn it, I just knew there was another lesson lurking beneath my pain :).

.

I Wish I could Forget-My Sister Melissa DeVillegas

I try not to wish for things that can never be…it makes my life more bearable to avoid this tantalizing exercise in futility. I do not waste my time wishing that I had never been diagnosed with cancer or that the doctors made a mistake and it’s really stage 3 and not stage 4. I try to focus on the good things. Yes there have been good things to come of this, like truly understanding how loved I am. This disease has created many a situation where I have seen first hand how truly considerate and generous people can be. I have been afforded a clear view of what really matters in life. And I know that more than anything, to love & be loved by your child is everything. I have received many blessings through this disease. Unfortunately, I am human and sometimes these blessings, wonderful though they have been, are not enough to keep me from wishing I could forget. I wish that just once in a while I could wake up and not remember even for an hour or so. I wish that I did not have to wake up instantly aware that I have cancer.





This isn’t some distant memory that fades with time. It’s always with me. It is the whirl of my oxygen machine that lulls me to sleep at night and greets me each morning. I wake up, propped up by pillows so that the port in my chest doesn’t shift to a painful position. I sleep sitting up to keep from laying on my side because my sternum had to be sawed open and it has never stopped hurting. Yes, waking up in a sitting position means that it will be a pain free day, but it also means I have cancer. If this weren’t enough to jog my memory, then taking a shower certainly would. My scars, my "battle wounds" as I proudly refer to them, are at once both reminders of my brave resistance and my vulnerability.





My life is marked and measured by the times before and after my diagnosis, my treatments, my surgeries, my last appointment and my next, my hair growing in or falling out. I always dread the beginning of the school year. Not because it’s the end of lazy summer days with my son, but because for whatever reason, it’s when my cancer seems to errupt. I try to be calm and expect the best while bracing for the worst, but Fall for me means getting myself battle ready and it saddens me. I used to love Autumn. I don’t anymore.



I am not perfect. I am not even close to perfect. So, at times when I become spiritually lazy or dragged down by fear and anger, I have allowed myself to wonder why me instead of some random pedophile. I have looked at people that I regard as evil and have truly questioned my fate. Don’t misunderstand me, this is not a question that I have asked often and this is not something I would casually or otherwise wish on anyone else. But it is a trying existence to be so constantly and so keenly aware of your mortality.





It is trying and lonely and made all the more so by being single. Yes, I have family & friends who love me dearly. But when the world has become silent and still and there are no distractions to keep the reality of my situation from baring down on me, there is no one to wipe away my tears and tell me that everything will be fine. Yes, I have myself and my faith and my strength, but sometimes it would be nice…sometimes it would be more convincing to hear the thoughts I rely on to persevere being spoken aloud by someone other than myself. Regrettably, I am a burden and I accept that. I am a single mom, unable to bear more children with stage 4 cancer. Not exactly the ideal profile for match.com.



Being in a relationship is something else that I have not wished for since I learned that the cancer metastasized. I would never think to saddle anyone with the never ending campaign that has become my life. Warriors must travel light and I have room enough for just one man in my life. My son is the center of my world. Giving him what time and attention I am able to for as long as I am able to is my focus. He has trooped it with me since he was eight years old. He has endured true hardship and apprehension in these past 6 years. He has suffered as much, if not more than I because of the uncertainty created by my illness. But to meet him, you wouldn’t know it. Jonathan is not bitter or sullen. He is an exceptionally warm and funny young man. He is to put is mildly, remarkable.



Jonathan’s resilience offers me strength and courage. His presence reinforces my purpose and renews my drive. His quick wit reminds me that not only is there hope, but a reason to hope. And his captivating eyes implore me to fight on even though I am not offered the respite of forgetting…because neither is he.

My Love Sets You Free

I type to release the pain that my tears or words seem to fall short of expressing

The images replayed in my mind are the ones I so badly try to erase

In my efforts to be strong I feel so weak

In my day to day I do things i dont want to do

Like wake up to remember your gone

brush my teeth, shower, dress up, and go to work

I do all these things i dont want to do because I want to stop and just think about you some more

I wasn't ready to see you on a bed looking lifeless

I never picured papi just having 3 kids living

I feel a physical pain in my heart

Now I know that the word heartbreak is not merely a metaphore

but its an expression of something that actually descripes something I feel in my chest

Im convinced that no mater what anyone says to me they can not understand

or even try to mend this pain

Im fortunate enough to know some unfortaunate people who have been through this before

I know I will be there for someone else who will have a pain to much to bare

I dont care who so happens to read this and their thoughts of my words

Some may judge me others may empathise and even cry

Im not looking for that

Im releasing words into this note to release the overflow of pain emersing from within me

My tears are dry and words seem to be few and everyday I wake up and go to sleep thinking of you

I miss all of you the good the not so good

I miss the laughs and the disagrements

I miss the sarcasim and they wityness

I miss looking at my phone and having asurance that if i call you i can hear your voice

..........i.....know.....times will heal....and sometimes...that thought..makes me mad...

sometimes i dont want to heal because i relate it to not careing about you

but then i realize that if i love you I will set you free

I wont hold a grudge on you for leaving earth to soon for me

but I await the day with Christ returns and you arise form your sleep.

Oh what a glorious day to see the new made over you and that just brings a smile to my face even now

I learned that my love for you was strong when march 16 I unwillingly said its okay to go and set you free

My love for you set's you free

Words I shared at my sisters Wake 3/18/11

I wanted to share some words Melissa wrote in a note about her son Jonathan.

“My son is the center of my world. Giving him what time and attention I am able to for as long as I am able to is my focus. He has trooped it with me since he was eight years old. He has endured true hardship and apprehension in these past 6 years. He has suffered as much, if not more than I because of the uncertainty created by my illness. But to meet him, you wouldn’t know it. Jonathan is not bitter or sullen. He is an exceptionally warm and funny young man. He is to put is mildly, remarkable.

Jonathan’s resilience offers me strength and courage. His presence reinforces my purpose and renews my drive. His quick wit reminds me that not only is there hope, but a reason to hope. And his captivating eyes implore me to fight on even though I am not offered the respite of forgetting…because neither is he."



Jonathan when I see you I see the strength of a lion. You have been the one who kept your mother going and I know that you have made your mother proud and you are going to continue to do so. You will grow up as a man of God. You will never be alone and we will all take part in your life. We are all extensions of your mother's love for you. I love you!

The life that my sister lived was a life of a champion! I don’t know many single stage 4 cancer moms who can keep up with all the duties of life and never stop laughing, joking, or settling for self pity. Melissa endured many painful experiences emotionally and physically and still held it together for the sanity of her loved one’s. My sister’s beauty was captivating, her words enlightening, her laugh contagious, her humor very witty, and her will to survive simply admirable. The past 6 years of her life I have been sharing with her about a God I have grown to love who is ready to give her fullness of life which consist of Love, joy and peace. Something we all so desperately need. I continued to feed her the word of God and his nature through cards, CDs, DVDs, books and just about every method I could think of. One of the most common topics between Melissa and I was the topic of forgiveness. I want to say to you tonight that my sister has forgiven you all. I can say that with deep conviction. I was able to spend about 12 hours sitting by Melissa just waiting for a miracle. It was absolute torture to see her there on that hospital bed looking nothing like her self not knowing if she was in pain and not being able to do anything more than rubbing her hands and legs and letting her feel the touch of my love. During that time I had some moments to reflect on those conversations of how forgiveness is difficult. I shared with her how difficult it must have been to be mocked, whipped, and nailed to the cross and still love that very person for who you are dying for like Jesus did. At times these were difficult conversations and at other times they were very easy. I share this because there is a promise I have received and that is that my family and I shall be saved and live in eternity with Jesus. At around 10pm Tuesday night I received a text message from a friend who hears from God clearly very often. The text read “I keep feeling to tell you to remember your promise.” I replied “what is the promise” She responded “salvation”. The doctors were saying my sister was incoherent. However I know that our spirit man is always coherent. Knowing that I spoke to her spirit and ask Melissa to repent of her sins to forgive everyone and submit her spirit to Jesus Christ and live in live in eternity where she will have a glorified body and there will be no more pain. After that prayer I immediately turned on worship music and we held her the entire time as we watched her fight to leave us. About 1 minute after the worship song was over she passed to be with the Lord.

On Thursday the following morning after Melissa’s passing my dad asked me “what’s 3:16 in the bible” I replied “In John 3:16 it says For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” That was God reminding me that Melissa made it! Now Melissa is not perishing and has eternal life. Melissa passed on 3/16. Melissa did not die but cancer died and she is still living in heaven therefore she won!

Now I encourage you to also fight your battles in life. Don’t give up! Tonight and the next few days I would ask you to search your heart and see if you’re living a life that you know God would honor. My sister had a chance to give herself over to Christ and I know she did. Today you are also being given a chance to get right and be reconciled with Christ. Please don’t harbor unforgiveness in your heart, learn to love even when it hurts. You’ll find in the end it was all worth it.

Are you an Evil Doer?

I've made a decision that I was going to be reading the new testament a few times to get some more of Jesus life here on earth and how he lived it.

I was reading Matthew 7:22 On judgment day many will say to me, 'Lord! Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.' That wrecked me. I have heard it preached before and read it also but think about this. These people were "serving God" The Lord simply tells them You Evil doers depart from me I never knew you. Where was their heart? How can you cast out a demon and operate in prophesy and not know Jesus. Im just saying I want to make sure everything im doing is out of my relationship with Jesus and not just because "I know how to do Church"