Sometimes tears are the very thing that lead you to Your destiny & Gods heart

Holidays aren't the same

Well we are entering a time of holidays where people gather with their family weather you like them all or not you put that aside and enjoy each others company over food and festive music. I love the holidays and Ive always woken up on thanksgiving, christmas day, and new years with a sense of "wow is it really {Insert holiday here}!" Well that hasn't changed except now I think " Wow is it really a holiday and my sister is gone!" I use to be annoyed by people who didn't just "get over" their tragedy or loss. I felt like telling them "Yo really? Still?! Get over it!" Now I'm one of them (SMERK). Well I don't condor myself a mopey person with a cloud over his head although I can be referred to as a debby downer or negative nancy its just because I grew up noticing the negative instead of the positive (Thanks mom & dad). I am working on that. I enjoyed my family this thanksgiving but I felt really moody (didn't know why) and I started to look at a rose busy my sister Melissa planted years ago. Its her favorite color and It always made me think of her especially when her battle with cancer was raging. The fast that I was only able to look at that blooming rose and imagine her and not see her kind of brought a rush of emotions. I felt hurt, anger, frustration, emptiness, confusion, doubt, unanswered questions,heart ache, disappointment, and yucky memories. I quickly cancel it all out and get busy doing something else and suppress the emotions. My dad asks me in a sense of acknowledging God and begin thankful for me "the spiritual one" to say grace. I annoyingly and rudely decline wondering whats wrong with me (laugh). Those moments make me feel bi polar seriously! The fact is I'm a human who still deals with a lot of inner junk that God is purging and slowly making me into the person that will be refined like Gold. Anyways Im sorry to the world for not being well idk.....actually I'm not sorry I'm just a person living this life where sometimes I feel I was meant to be tortured but then Im reminded there are people who have suffered to much more than myself and I'm so selfish to be "woe is me" type of person (hate when I'm like that). If anything this thanksgiving I was remind that I need people to help me through this by prayer, listening, and conversation and I really need to do this for other people. I don't want to nurture or bond with my pain or anyone else's for that mater but I do want the healing water to rush over me and others. Even writing this right now I feel the waves of healing and love over my soul. Jesus is truly the reason I can carry on and talk about these things its makes me feel free. So as the title to this blog entry states I believe that sometimes tears are the very thing that lead you closer to your destiny and to knowing Gods heart if you allow them to fall. As I needed to you may also need to just cry. Just remember you can cry in the presence of God no better place than to let it flow. Share hope, share peace, and share your story. Chepe :) Thankful for you!

I know there has to be more

Im very pensive today. I find myself in a place of thinking "there has to be more." I feel as if in the day to day things I do I need to see "the more." I need to get all I can out of my days. My schedule is pretty compact and Im living through a lot of unfavorable changes. In my workplace I feel I need to find more. In my relationship with God I feel like I need to find more, In my friendships i need to find more. I want to push past what I been recieving.

Thanksgiving just passed and to be honest I was not really looking forward to it and I even felt tempted to fall into a depressed state. I decided not to accept that. I been rehearsing a heart of thankfulness and praise since the end of October because of the fear I had of the holidays. So Ironic a seasons that I usually and so many other people enjoy so much are all so excited but I'm not. Im scared of what feelings may try to rise up in me. Especially on New Years.

On thanksgiving I spent it with my Dad and grandmother eating at TGIF. I was even kind of embarrassed to tell people how I spent my thanksgiving. I felt a deep sense of a cheapened thanksgiving for a lack of better words. Suddenly I had to remind myself. ENJOY YOUR LIFE! The more is in what I take out of the moment. The thoughts I have are what can actually cheapen the moment. The more is in my heart posture and thoughts I'm focusing on at that time. In looking for the more I found it. I need to be present, face my fears, love more, and take advantage of every moment. I made sure I enjoyed my TGIF meal with my family. After dinner I went to my dads and to my surprise my brother came from work with a early birthday gift and I found my mom sent a thanksgiving card in the mail expressing her love for me with even a kiss emprinted. My thanksgiving with out a doubt was different but still beautiful. :) I am still thankful.