Im very pensive today. I find myself in a place of thinking "there has to be more." I feel as if in the day to day things I do I need to see "the more." I need to get all I can out of my days. My schedule is pretty compact and Im living through a lot of unfavorable changes. In my workplace I feel I need to find more. In my relationship with God I feel like I need to find more, In my friendships i need to find more. I want to push past what I been recieving.
Thanksgiving just passed and to be honest I was not really looking forward to it and I even felt tempted to fall into a depressed state. I decided not to accept that. I been rehearsing a heart of thankfulness and praise since the end of October because of the fear I had of the holidays. So Ironic a seasons that I usually and so many other people enjoy so much are all so excited but I'm not. Im scared of what feelings may try to rise up in me. Especially on New Years.
On thanksgiving I spent it with my Dad and grandmother eating at TGIF. I was even kind of embarrassed to tell people how I spent my thanksgiving. I felt a deep sense of a cheapened thanksgiving for a lack of better words. Suddenly I had to remind myself. ENJOY YOUR LIFE! The more is in what I take out of the moment. The thoughts I have are what can actually cheapen the moment. The more is in my heart posture and thoughts I'm focusing on at that time. In looking for the more I found it. I need to be present, face my fears, love more, and take advantage of every moment. I made sure I enjoyed my TGIF meal with my family. After dinner I went to my dads and to my surprise my brother came from work with a early birthday gift and I found my mom sent a thanksgiving card in the mail expressing her love for me with even a kiss emprinted. My thanksgiving with out a doubt was different but still beautiful. :) I am still thankful.
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