Release pain

I had a crashing moment as the fork in the road became intensified in a sudden second. I started to feel like what's the point in staying in Fl and even living. I start to feel the weight pulling down like an anchor on my heart as I feel an urge to call my sister Melissa to joke and see how shes doing. Oh man!! I can't explain how horrible it feels to want to call someone and you realise they are dead/passed away/ deceased..what ever you want to call it. Not here and never will be again is the point.

As the holidays approach I fight back some excitement with thoughts of man I'm not buying my sister any gifts this year or giving her a call. It just seems to wrong to me like this can't be really my life. But its my life.

I had to embrace the tears that with out permission streamed down my cheeks and as I rush to leave my dads house in order to prevent being scene in my current state to prevent any additional grief to family I rush to my car and drive back Home there in my car I give permission to my emotions to run wild. I screamed, shoute, and cried so hard I managed to get a nose bleed and a sharp headache.
This is my life I don't necessarily like it right now but it is what it is and I can't change it. I can definatly chose to allow it to make me better.

I'm growing closer to God but it hurts like hell.