I had a crashing moment as the fork in the road became intensified in a sudden second. I started to feel like what's the point in staying in Fl and even living. I start to feel the weight pulling down like an anchor on my heart as I feel an urge to call my sister Melissa to joke and see how shes doing. Oh man!! I can't explain how horrible it feels to want to call someone and you realise they are dead/passed away/ deceased..what ever you want to call it. Not here and never will be again is the point.
As the holidays approach I fight back some excitement with thoughts of man I'm not buying my sister any gifts this year or giving her a call. It just seems to wrong to me like this can't be really my life. But its my life.
I had to embrace the tears that with out permission streamed down my cheeks and as I rush to leave my dads house in order to prevent being scene in my current state to prevent any additional grief to family I rush to my car and drive back Home there in my car I give permission to my emotions to run wild. I screamed, shoute, and cried so hard I managed to get a nose bleed and a sharp headache.
This is my life I don't necessarily like it right now but it is what it is and I can't change it. I can definatly chose to allow it to make me better.
I'm growing closer to God but it hurts like hell.
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Healing hurts like hell. But the outcome is a feeling that can never be felt without the hell. Jesus couldn't finish what he did for us until he went through hell and to hell himself. I'm sure it wasn't a wonderful feeling either. Keep pressing on my brother and you will be made whole again! Love you and praying for your continued healing!!
ReplyDeleteIt is the worst feeling wanting to call someone and you can't...ever. I miss my dad calling me or just simply seeing a missed call from him. The urges to speak with them because it was something you were so used to doing are the hardest to overcome. I used to ALWAYS text my dad on sundays before service ended to ask him if he wanted to grab lunch and if he couldnt, because of work, i would call or see me mom. Last sunday i couldnt even do either one. My mom is in Costa rica with her family and will be there for 3 months. Happy that she wont be alone for the holidays but its a lot of change in such short amount of time for me. It does hurt like hell. Its like having an invisible wound....I try to put a bandaid on and seems to help until it falls off again only for the wound to be exposed and hurt all over again. Comes in waves when i least expect it. Its terrible. All i can do is hold on to God.I yelled at God the other day . I lost it. But i wasnt mad at him.. it was more like i wanted answers. Its hard for me to be mad at God because he has blessed us more than anything.. So i know he didnt do this to hurt us. I'm glad that there is a brother from church as yourself who completely understands. I dont feel alone in this. Will be praying for you!
ReplyDelete-Evie
Just saw these comments and was richly blessed by them. Thanks sistahs :)
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