Thursday, July 7, 2011
What's your choice?
Life isnt easy you guys, it cant present many obstacles. You must choose to turn into hurdles. Youll loose people in various ways. You can choose to cherish to good memories. People may point out all your flaws and slander ur name. You can choose to become a better person. The great thing is NO MATER WHAT.. You can still choose. Be the BEST YOU that you can possibly be!
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
A letter never read
Dear Sister,
If my math does me right 70 days has passed. The roller coaster of grief has many highs and lows and even some Plato's. I think of all the hidden lessons of Love, hope, forgiveness, Divine order, family, promise, and time. Your life has been a teaching that still teaches me even after your departure. Your songs you chose to comfort us when you would leave are hard to listen to. The songs says that the sun will shine again but I tell you the sun many of mornings has been a rude intruder in my time of grief. Ive never felt so disrespected by the sun shinning on my face in the morning. I thought that the 14hrs of staring at your skin and gently caressing of your hands would be enough but I want to do it some more. I wanna look in your eyes and see you smirk and raise an eyebrow. I want to know what you think about the Arnold scandal, Casey trial, and zaylee's mobile uploads. I'm left with my own thoughts of what you might of said. The truth is the time hasn't healed and the pain at times seems to increase. The Supernatural power of God keeps me in my right mind. This letter you'll never read but Meli I love you sweetheart and a piece of me left with you. Your forever on my mind and I will be sure your life even now will live.
Your Beloved Hurting brother Joey
If my math does me right 70 days has passed. The roller coaster of grief has many highs and lows and even some Plato's. I think of all the hidden lessons of Love, hope, forgiveness, Divine order, family, promise, and time. Your life has been a teaching that still teaches me even after your departure. Your songs you chose to comfort us when you would leave are hard to listen to. The songs says that the sun will shine again but I tell you the sun many of mornings has been a rude intruder in my time of grief. Ive never felt so disrespected by the sun shinning on my face in the morning. I thought that the 14hrs of staring at your skin and gently caressing of your hands would be enough but I want to do it some more. I wanna look in your eyes and see you smirk and raise an eyebrow. I want to know what you think about the Arnold scandal, Casey trial, and zaylee's mobile uploads. I'm left with my own thoughts of what you might of said. The truth is the time hasn't healed and the pain at times seems to increase. The Supernatural power of God keeps me in my right mind. This letter you'll never read but Meli I love you sweetheart and a piece of me left with you. Your forever on my mind and I will be sure your life even now will live.
Your Beloved Hurting brother Joey
Thursday, May 12, 2011
What's Your Mission?
Today I'm at the gym getting my walk on (starting my workout slow lol) and I start reading Rick Warren daily devotional email (encourage you to sign up) for today. The devotional is about planning ahead and fixing our eyes on eternity. He mentions that our iPhone and Google calendars are in no way able to capture Gods timing. There is a scripture he refers to which says 1k years is a blink in the eyes of eternity. What if I knew in 10 years I will die. What ways would be easier to change. What areas of my life would suddenly become easier to lay down? How much more would I give myself to my life mission? These questions propose truths about my world view and my perception of what God requires of me now and not just get it right because I know I will die In 10 years. I tell you what I know my mission and its to distroy the kingdom of Satan! The way I do that is to daily wake up saying NO to me and Yes to my master. I must know who Jesus is and who I am in Him. In the confidence of his many names I have peace and assurance. I live for another age. My eyes are not fixed on when I clock in and out of work, nor on when my next bill needs to be paid, or my next pay check, or getting the hottest new shirt at H&M, nor as a single man seeing if that new women at church is my wife (for ur laughs lol) My eyes are to be fixed on Jesus on the Father on the Holy Ghost. This will be my life mission. To know God in all ways I can know him. There are ways I never wished to know God such as partaking in his suffering. Still I count it an honor to know him even this way. Ask your creator what is your God given missions for your life, its so much more than what this world system tells us.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
As Time Pass's
As time passes the numb feeling is being dismissed and the rising up of pain and hurt start's to resurface. I start replaying the last images of my sisters body in the casket as my dad is the first one I see walking up slowly to the casket as my mom quickly rushes behind him to be sure he doesnt collapse at the sight of his babies body. He walks up to see her swollen and pale with no life, gently touching her arms and kisses her forehead. Those images are so heart renching and hurtful in every kind of way to see. It's the pain of seeing a parent hurt on top of the pain of my own seeing my sybling so young in a casket looking nothing like "herself". I at times can't believe I can function with so much hurt, I know that most if not all of my strength has been super natural. I experience such sharp pain it penetrates my heart and I at times cry so hard I feel as if I could vomit, and just when I think im done more tears and shouts must be released.
I know these tears and shouts are so vital to release for my natural and spiritual health. I've been able to manage my pain in a way where I can be vulnerable before God and he is able to do all that needs to get done in me. Im okay with how ever long this take and refuse to say "Im Okay" when all I want to do is cry.
So many tears i've cried, yet my soul rejoices in serving God and being apart of what he is doing. I realize now that time DOESN'T heal but allowing your wounds an hurts to be baren before God brings about healing. Healing comes from the Lord not time.
Nothing will keep me from serving God.
Throughout this season I have seen God show him self as faithul, healer, and the I AM! Hallelujah!
I know these tears and shouts are so vital to release for my natural and spiritual health. I've been able to manage my pain in a way where I can be vulnerable before God and he is able to do all that needs to get done in me. Im okay with how ever long this take and refuse to say "Im Okay" when all I want to do is cry.
So many tears i've cried, yet my soul rejoices in serving God and being apart of what he is doing. I realize now that time DOESN'T heal but allowing your wounds an hurts to be baren before God brings about healing. Healing comes from the Lord not time.
Nothing will keep me from serving God.
Throughout this season I have seen God show him self as faithul, healer, and the I AM! Hallelujah!
Friday, April 29, 2011
Our Last FB Convo
""ChepeJose
Hi Meli was praying for you this morning. Look up Jehovah-Rophe The Lord Heals exodus 15:25-26. Play some Hillsong worship. Love you!
February 9 at 12:56pm
Ann De Villegas I will, love you Joey. You are a good brother.
February 11 at 11:58am""
I was looking through the friendship history that facebook has and I was able to see coments she made about my photos and coments I made about her's. I saw how long we been facebook friends and I saw our last convo. Im grateful for boldness given to me to declare my God to my sister. Im grateful for the softening of her heart during her last days. Im greatfull for her notes she wrote and the relationship we had. I so miss her very much. No one knows how deep you can miss someone until you have no way of seeing them again until you die. Jesus is the only one who can heal this pain and serving him and recieving him is a big help!
A poem 4 you Whispers of Truth
The sweet whispers of truth assist me from remaining in despair
The hope I have in Christ return keeps me from deep depression
Your salvation gives me peace and excitement for our reunion
I've never been so eager for the King to return to be with you and see your new body
If I could switch places with you I would
But then I wouldn't be able to spread the importance of salvation and forgiveness to the world
Your death has given me a voice
And my pain has given me a purpose
For the joy set before Him He gave his life
For the joy set before me I give Him mine
When the despair increases so does the whispers of truth
.
The hope I have in Christ return keeps me from deep depression
Your salvation gives me peace and excitement for our reunion
I've never been so eager for the King to return to be with you and see your new body
If I could switch places with you I would
But then I wouldn't be able to spread the importance of salvation and forgiveness to the world
Your death has given me a voice
And my pain has given me a purpose
For the joy set before Him He gave his life
For the joy set before me I give Him mine
When the despair increases so does the whispers of truth
.
My Sister's last Post when informed she had brain tumors
I was informed two days ago that I have tumors on my brain. For the patient who wanted to know everything, I didn’t want to know this. The MRI I had about two weeks ago was bad news as well. The two tumors on my liver have not only grown in size, but have welcomed two more to the happy little ecosystem that I call my body in spite of being on chemo for almost 5 months. My tumor markers had decreased significantly. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m angry! I’m sad! I’m disillusioned! I am struggling to regain my balance, so forgive me if in the short term, I loose my footing.
I have been gracious and I have been kind to every patient that I have encountered along the way on what today seems to have been a God forsaken journey. I have smiled and engaged in lengthy conversations with complete strangers and offered heartfelt advice, not because I expected reciprocity, but because it was the right thing to do and I was moved to do it at the time.
I have tried almost constantly to turn this situation into a “teachable moment” for my son because what the hell else can you do. I have suffered, mostly in silence as my life has been extended due to the love & prayers of others, the excellence of the care I have received from my doctors and my absolute determination to not merely survive but to completely overcome this disease and now this. It is too much to be borne even by me.
Oh of course I will pick my self up and do what must be done with as pleasant a demeanor I am able to muster, but right now I am by no means please to do it. And for those of you who might ask, no, I am not “taking anything” for these unpleasant feelings. I am not judging people who do, but here is my unvarnished opinion. I am a grown up. I am living life as a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer patient. If I took a pill to temporarily escape unpleasant events in my life, then when would I be sober & present in the very life that I am struggling to live. I do not hide from, but rather confront the obstacles set in my way. This is not to say that I will not be needing to be sedated when they place a mesh mask on my face and bolt my head to a table Monday for radiation, because hell yes, I am definitely going to need to temporarily escape that particular event in my life.
So if my feelings on occasions such as this strike you as surly or objectionable or messy, then by all means, you are entitled to your opinion. Just have the sense God gave you not to call them to my attention because you present me with silly problems of your own making and expect kind words from me knowing my struggle. And do not refer to my reaction as “raging” because I promise you that you have not seen raging. Ask anyone who has dated me.
I simply cannot imagine someone not comprehending the magnitude of my emotional state at a time like this. I never minimize the problems that others may be facing in their own lives by comparing them to mine, but allow me to indulge myself just this once. If you are in a situation that you have allowed to flourish by being actively complicit for whatever reason, then do not complain about it to someone who is fighting for their lives. Most especially do not tell them that their reaction warrants medication or that it left YOU feeling unsettled, because quite frankly, maybe it just wasn’t a good time for you to share.
It’s amusing really. I hadn’t quite decided on my feelings about this situation yet. I think that today’s feeling will be a well-deserved morose. I will be back in fighting form come Monday, but today is for me and me alone. I will not take calls or be upbeat and chipper because someone else needs to be soothed by my unwavering certainty. Today, I do not have it in me to give. Perhaps I should point my accusing finger back at myself for the situation that I have aggressively created by always being okay. I think that I need to be honest when I am not and hope that it’s acceptable. I think that I need to learn the lesson of unselfish, self preservation. Damn it, I just knew there was another lesson lurking beneath my pain :).
.
I have been gracious and I have been kind to every patient that I have encountered along the way on what today seems to have been a God forsaken journey. I have smiled and engaged in lengthy conversations with complete strangers and offered heartfelt advice, not because I expected reciprocity, but because it was the right thing to do and I was moved to do it at the time.
I have tried almost constantly to turn this situation into a “teachable moment” for my son because what the hell else can you do. I have suffered, mostly in silence as my life has been extended due to the love & prayers of others, the excellence of the care I have received from my doctors and my absolute determination to not merely survive but to completely overcome this disease and now this. It is too much to be borne even by me.
Oh of course I will pick my self up and do what must be done with as pleasant a demeanor I am able to muster, but right now I am by no means please to do it. And for those of you who might ask, no, I am not “taking anything” for these unpleasant feelings. I am not judging people who do, but here is my unvarnished opinion. I am a grown up. I am living life as a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer patient. If I took a pill to temporarily escape unpleasant events in my life, then when would I be sober & present in the very life that I am struggling to live. I do not hide from, but rather confront the obstacles set in my way. This is not to say that I will not be needing to be sedated when they place a mesh mask on my face and bolt my head to a table Monday for radiation, because hell yes, I am definitely going to need to temporarily escape that particular event in my life.
So if my feelings on occasions such as this strike you as surly or objectionable or messy, then by all means, you are entitled to your opinion. Just have the sense God gave you not to call them to my attention because you present me with silly problems of your own making and expect kind words from me knowing my struggle. And do not refer to my reaction as “raging” because I promise you that you have not seen raging. Ask anyone who has dated me.
I simply cannot imagine someone not comprehending the magnitude of my emotional state at a time like this. I never minimize the problems that others may be facing in their own lives by comparing them to mine, but allow me to indulge myself just this once. If you are in a situation that you have allowed to flourish by being actively complicit for whatever reason, then do not complain about it to someone who is fighting for their lives. Most especially do not tell them that their reaction warrants medication or that it left YOU feeling unsettled, because quite frankly, maybe it just wasn’t a good time for you to share.
It’s amusing really. I hadn’t quite decided on my feelings about this situation yet. I think that today’s feeling will be a well-deserved morose. I will be back in fighting form come Monday, but today is for me and me alone. I will not take calls or be upbeat and chipper because someone else needs to be soothed by my unwavering certainty. Today, I do not have it in me to give. Perhaps I should point my accusing finger back at myself for the situation that I have aggressively created by always being okay. I think that I need to be honest when I am not and hope that it’s acceptable. I think that I need to learn the lesson of unselfish, self preservation. Damn it, I just knew there was another lesson lurking beneath my pain :).
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