A letter never read

Dear Sister,

If my math does me right 70 days has passed. The roller coaster of grief has many highs and lows and even some Plato's. I think of all the hidden lessons of Love, hope, forgiveness, Divine order, family, promise, and time. Your life has been a teaching that still teaches me even after your departure. Your songs you chose to comfort us when you would leave are hard to listen to. The songs says that the sun will shine again but I tell you the sun many of mornings has been a rude intruder in my time of grief. Ive never felt so disrespected by the sun shinning on my face in the morning. I thought that the 14hrs of staring at your skin and gently caressing of your hands would be enough but I want to do it some more. I wanna look in your eyes and see you smirk and raise an eyebrow. I want to know what you think about the Arnold scandal, Casey trial, and zaylee's mobile uploads. I'm left with my own thoughts of what you might of said. The truth is the time hasn't healed and the pain at times seems to increase. The Supernatural power of God keeps me in my right mind. This letter you'll never read but Meli I love you sweetheart and a piece of me left with you. Your forever on my mind and I will be sure your life even now will live.

Your Beloved Hurting brother Joey

What's Your Mission?

Today I'm at the gym getting my walk on (starting my workout slow lol) and I start reading Rick Warren daily devotional email (encourage you to sign up) for today. The devotional is about planning ahead and fixing our eyes on eternity. He mentions that our iPhone and Google calendars are in no way able to capture Gods timing. There is a scripture he refers to which says 1k years is a blink in the eyes of eternity. What if I knew in 10 years I will die. What ways would be easier to change. What areas of my life would suddenly become easier to lay down? How much more would I give myself to my life mission? These questions propose truths about my world view and my perception of what God requires of me now and not just get it right because I know I will die In 10 years. I tell you what I know my mission and its to distroy the kingdom of Satan! The way I do that is to daily wake up saying NO to me and Yes to my master. I must know who Jesus is and who I am in Him. In the confidence of his many names I have peace and assurance. I live for another age. My eyes are not fixed on when I clock in and out of work, nor on when my next bill needs to be paid, or my next pay check, or getting the hottest new shirt at H&M, nor as a single man seeing if that new women at church is my wife (for ur laughs lol) My eyes are to be fixed on Jesus on the Father on the Holy Ghost. This will be my life mission. To know God in all ways I can know him. There are ways I never wished to know God such as partaking in his suffering. Still I count it an honor to know him even this way. Ask your creator what is your God given missions for your life, its so much more than what this world system tells us.

As Time Pass's

As time passes the numb feeling is being dismissed and the rising up of pain and hurt start's to resurface. I start replaying the last images of my sisters body in the casket as my dad is the first one I see walking up slowly to the casket as my mom quickly rushes behind him to be sure he doesnt collapse at the sight of his babies body. He walks up to see her swollen and pale with no life, gently touching her arms and kisses her forehead. Those images are so heart renching and hurtful in every kind of way to see. It's the pain of seeing a parent hurt on top of the pain of my own seeing my sybling so young in a casket looking nothing like "herself". I at times can't believe I can function with so much hurt, I know that most if not all of my strength has been super natural. I experience such sharp pain it penetrates my heart and I at times cry so hard I feel as if I could vomit, and just when I think im done more tears and shouts must be released.

I know these tears and shouts are so vital to release for my natural and spiritual health. I've been able to manage my pain in a way where I can be vulnerable before God and he is able to do all that needs to get done in me. Im okay with how ever long this take and refuse to say "Im Okay" when all I want to do is cry.

So many tears i've cried, yet my soul rejoices in serving God and being apart of what he is doing. I realize now that time DOESN'T heal but allowing your wounds an hurts to be baren before God brings about healing. Healing comes from the Lord not time.

Nothing will keep me from serving God.

Throughout this season I have seen God show him self as faithul, healer, and the I AM! Hallelujah!